In Memory's Grasp
by Kanoi-chan
Summary: Kanoi Tabris leaves the glory of the Archdemon's defeat to her fellow Gray Wardens, Alistair and Kahlori Cousland. As she prepares to leave Denerim, she thinks back over her journey with the two.


This is my first DA:O fic, and it takes a view of two PCs being in the party. I love the thought of how my Cousland and Tabris would get along. I'm thinking I'm going to end up combining their stories into one long fic. Basically, it would be a retelling of the game.

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age Origins. It belongs to the wonderful people at Bioware. So yes, don't sue me... Please.

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I watched the castle. So many resided within at this time that few were even on the streets. Denerim, the usually busy place it was, held quiet streets for now. Everyone was inside, watching their king and the "true" Lady Gray Warden marry. I should have been in there, watching my fellow Gray Wardens be joined in holy matrimony, but it was simply something I could not do. Instead, I turned and made my way back to the Alienage, back to the place that once was home.

I remembered meeting them, my fellow Gray Wardens, back at Ostagar. It seemed a lifetime had since passed, and perhaps, in a way, one had. However, the reality of the matter was that it had been but a simple eight months. It still felt as if I had not known them long enough. Time is a tricky thing, moving too fast and too slow all at once. It plays with memories and hearts; it seems to take in a much faster manner than it gives.

I had met Alistair first, perhaps only because I had searched for him instead of her. The shock of what had occurred on my wedding day had worn off at some time during my trip with Duncan, though guilt and sadness still hung heavy in my chest. They still do. Duncan had left me, told me to explore, to find the Gray Warden named Alistair. I had obliged, wandering the ruins. Surprisingly, thoughts of the mess that had been left back home, of Shianni who I'd not had the courage to speak to before leaving, of my father who I'd let down, of Soris sitting in Fort Drakon, had all waned. Instead, I was quite enamored with the place I'd found myself in. I'd hardly ever left the Alienage, and I'd certainly never seen a place such as Ostagar. It left me in awe. I was actually somewhat uncertain of where I was, what I was doing, when I'd heard the voices. Then I had come upon the scene. Two humans, one in robes and one in armor, arguing, or it had at least appeared as such. The mage was quite angered, distressed, but the other man… He may have seemed irate, but he had a nonchalance about him, as if he had no will for true anger. Then the mage left, and I was left standing, awkwardly, with the warrior. He had turned to me and smiled, a smile that was free of lecherous or malicious intent. It was an expression I'd not often seen on a human face, especially the males. We talked briefly, and I learned he was Alistair of the Gray Wardens. He was very different than the human men I'd met before, but I cannot say I was over all surprised. Humans were different just as elves were different, and I doubted Duncan would send me to someone untrustworthy after what I had been through.

We'd returned to Duncan, and that was where I'd met her, Kahlori Cousland, one of my fellow Gray Warden recruits, the only other one to survive- may the souls of Daveth and Ser Jory have found their way to their Maker. She'd made an impression on me. Daveth and Ser Jory, while interesting enough in their own ways, did not capture my attention as she had. We'd had little in common. She was a noble woman, a well-bred lady who knew her way through conversation and regality. She was beautiful in a simple manner, quite the picture of what a young Lady should be- blonde hair in a simple yet elegant style, blue eyes, though they were perhaps closer to a shade of gray, a perfect figure, and above all those physical qualities, she was well-spoken. She held confidence, knew what she wanted and how to achieve it. Against her, I must have seemed a sad embodiment of the female form, not that I truly minded at the time. She knew her way through a conversation, asking questions, searching for justification as to **why** it was she should do these things we were asked to do. I had simply agreed, asking no more than the bare necessities of what I needed to know to achieve my quest.

It was not that I did not feel remorse for the loss of Daveth and Ser Jory, any undeserving death is tragic, and perhaps even the deserving ones are as well, in a way. However, I do remember that I'd thought I'd rather it be them that were lost than her. I can't even say why it was that I wished this; she had simply caught my interest in some manner. Perhaps it was because, like myself, she'd lost much to get here.

Traveling with her was not unpleasant, though it was trying to my patience at times. I often did not agree fully with how she did things, though I know this was often a problem all through our companions. However, I was simply not as vocal about these disagreements, at least, not in the beginning. I had believed that she would be able to gain more trust, more respect, than I. A once noble woman would gain far more help than a simple elf hailing from a beaten Alienage, especially when said elf had murdered the son of an arl.

Kahlori often flirted. It seemed a favorite pass-time of hers. I think, perhaps, she was used to such things in her life before the Wardens, and she had come to miss it. I cannot begrudge her that, I never could. When our journey first started, I had thought for certain that she would romance Alistair, and at that time, I would not have cared. However, things changed at some point between Orzammar and Redcliff. It was then we met Zevran, and while he did not fully affect things until later, I do believe he was the catalyst. Kahlori flirted rather shamelessly with Bann Teagan, and I remember Alistair standing closer to her. He was jealous, and who could blame him? The beautiful woman he'd had his eyes stuck on was flirting with someone else, or that was at least what I thought to be truth at the time. It was after that things truly changed, that I changed and she changed and he changed.

I'd never truly cared for romance. I think that was something Kahlori never understood. However, why should I have ever bothered to care? Sex meant little. I was either going to be raped by some lecherous human or have my first time with a husband not of my choosing. Shianni had always thought I was much too much of a pragmatist about it. I had no frilly fantasies. Alistair, however, changed me. It was not as if I'd ever expected to be treated badly by him, but I'd never expected more than mere friendship, camaraderie. I'd watched his teasing with Kahlori, slowing growing envious without even realizing. We spoke, but not often, and not of more than our mission, and I realize now it was all at my fault. He wished more, and I carefully kept him at bay. However, Zevran, as I stated, changed everything.

When we'd met him, I was perhaps more inclined to spare him than Kahlori was, though I could never say why. Kahlori was suspicious, and rightfully so. I should have been. She was the hand that finally helped him stand, however, and there must have been something in his touch.

Zevran was another elf, and perhaps I was expected by others to be more thankful of that fact than I was. However, he knew nothing of me, and I, nothing of him. Being of the same race does not create bonds, as they should have well known. However, I do not begrudge them their innocent racism, for that is what it was. They knew no more than what they were taught. They meant no harm, and this I realized. All the same, Zevran was not special to me for being an elf. We held more differences from each other than I did from Alistair and he from Kahlori. We became friends, but nothing more. Kahlori, however, seemed to take particular interest in him.

Zevran was exotic to us all, but perhaps even more so to her. She began to spend more time with him, enthralled at his stories and enchanted by his mere existence. It was at this time that Alistair began spending more time with me.

We bonded, and I came to learn that my past assumptions about his feelings toward Kahlori were not as accurate as I had thought. He felt protective of her. She was a sheltered girl, after all. She may have been more traveled than I, but she did not fully comprehend the dangers the world held. When I truly thought about it, this made sense. She was capable with a sword, of course, but she did not have the ability to truly grasp the more finite moral ambiguities of life. In such situations, I was stronger.

She also clashed a bit with Alistair, which I had taken for granted before. She was commanding, and had lived a pampered life. She liked material things. Alistair did not want a noble woman, and that meant he did not want her. It was some time later before I realized that really meant he wanted me.

Kahlori and Zevran eventually slept together, and then distance settled between them. Zevran would not say why he pushed her away, at least, not to me. Eventually, they spoke and reconciled. This continued for quite some time- one being skittish of the other, but it was their way.

Over the months, Alistair and I eventually created a relationship, as well. We fell in love. It was a foolish thing to do, I know that now, but who can truly say 'yes' or 'no' so simply when it comes to matters of the heart? Or perhaps that is a weak excuse I give myself.

As we traveled, the way of things seemed to change. It was not Kahlori who gained the respect of those we dealt with. It was not she who convinced people peaceably. It was I. I'm not sure when it happened, but I do know how I changed. Alistair. He made me smile and laugh. He gave me confidence. He made me believe in things I never had before. It was, sadly, not to last.

We returned to Denerim, and it seemed the world felt the need to crash around my ears, around **our **ears. The Alienage was torn apart, what stability it had before was crumbling. Valendrian was gone, and it was all I could do to not fall. Through all of that, my selfish mind could still not wander from thoughts of Alistair, of us. He would be king, and I knew there could be no room for me there. An elf could not be queen, especially not an elf as I was. I would not do him the dishonor of being his mistress, either. He was a better man than that. I knew such a decision would tear him apart. I had decided I would make the decision for him. I would die during the final battle.

I began to set things into motion, leaving all oblivious. I spoke with Anora and made arrangements for her to marry Alistair. Then I spoke with him. I told him it was for politics, and it did not need to affect us. I told him many things, many lies, simply to get him to do as I wished. It was for the better of Ferelden, I told myself. I had no room for selfishness.

During the Landsmeet my carefully crafted plan for Alistair and Anora crashed. I made a mistake, and how I was so foolish I can't even begin to understand. I let Alistair strike the killing blow to Loghaine. Anora would not marry him, though I cannot blame her. I made him king alone.

After, he approached me. He told me we had to end it, then and there. He would have to marry he said, would have to produce an heir. I wanted to beg, and I almost did. How far I had fallen seemed to keep getting lower. He left me, and I cried. I don't even know how I moved. It had to end, I knew that, had known it. It had hurt more than I could have imagined. Nothing was going how I'd planned.

Kahlori later approached me. She offered to take the place of queen at Alistair's side. Hope bubbled up in me. I agreed. She spoke with Alistair. He agreed. I suppose Zevran must have agreed to. Still, I did not speak to Alistair.

We found out later that a sacrifice must be made for the Archdemon to be slain. I know Kahlori was upset and shocked. Alistair perhaps much the same. I could not be. I no longer had the energy or drive to feel such emotions. I immediately said I would strike the final blow. I left without speaking to either of them about it.

When I found Morrigan in my room was the most emotion I'd felt between then and Alistair's talk with me. At the time, I'd thought it odd she came to me for the offer. We all knew she preferred Kahlori. Now, I believe it was simply because I was closer to Alistair. I wish she had gone to Kahlori. I convinced Alistair to participate in the ritual. It was not for myself, but for my Kahlori, and mostly, for Alistair. I could not trust him to take the final blow. If he could be saved, I would do it.

That night, I cried myself to sleep. The man I loved was sleeping with another woman on the last night we had. I truly hated Morrigan in that time.

In the end, I did, indeed, strike the final blow. However, I forced Kahlori to take such credit. I begged Alistair to let her. Let the people of Ferelden think it was their queen who was their final savior.

Now, all has been set to rights, so to speak. Morrigan left. Alistair and Kahlori are in the middle of their wedding. I am preparing to leave. Kahlori may not mind that I be Alistair's mistress, but I already decided I would leave. It is simply in a different manner than I had intended.

I open the door to the place that I once lived, and Zevran is sitting inside. We have both decided the King and Queen need not be compromised by us. They will easily learn to love each other, and we would eventually be pushed aside anyway. At least, this is what we tell ourselves. We say we are sparring future pain. We do not have such little faith in our partners. We know what we tell ourselves are lies. However, love can make one do strange things, or so I've learned.


End file.
